Je Le Vois
by starshipslytherin
Summary: Regulus has a hard time seeing a future with his lover James.


Inevitable.

Regulus had known it, known it from the very beginning, that this day would come, and he had been trying to put it off until it was almost too late, rejecting it with every fibre of his being, ignoring it, pushing it to the back of his mind, but it would wash over him unexpectedly at any time, particularly at night, and give him terrible nightmares about the consequences that were so, so certainly to come. It tore him to shreds and picked him apart, and yet his legs were carrying him towards the abandoned classroom in the dungeons and there was no going back, and all he could do was to try - and fail - not to cry. Because it had been about time to do this years ago, and it should not have started in the first place, and he wondered whether all the heartbreak would be worth it at all. He wasn't so sure any more, but one thing he knew - he would never regret anything more than giving this up.  
Still, he had to.  
This old classroom had been their secret hideout, their safe haven for so long - not for long enough and still for too long - and it had been alright and it had protected their love from having to fall apart. Regulus was about to betray it.  
He saw Potter waiting for him, eagerly, and he lost it when the Gryffindor flashed him a crooked smile and said hello.  
For the last time.  
And it was wrong and it would make everything worse, but Regulus was unable to resist, and he grabbed his partner's red and gold tie and planted a passionate kiss on his lips, shoving him backwards against the wall, and it was demanding and sloppy and wet with tears and so infinitely sincere.  
Potter played along, nibbling at the younger one's chapped lower lip and running his fingers through his dark hair, and things were okay for a moment until suddenly he stopped kissing Regulus and held his chin in position with his thumb so he had no option but to face him, and his soft hazel eyes were so full of concern. And of so much more. He had all kinds of emotions dancing around in his irises, but Regulus wasn't able to read them. Not this time and no other time; all he had ever found out was that they were for him and he liked being looked at in this way. By someone like James Potter.  
"You've been crying."  
Regulus exhaled shakily, resting his forehead on his lover's chest and clinging to his hips as though his life depended on it. Which, in a way, it did, because he knew if he let go, forever, his heart would rip in half. But he had to.  
"I've never seen a future with us, Potter", he quietly muttered, his words muffled by the fabric of his partner's robes, but intelligible enough in the silence.  
"But?", Potter asked tentatively, and yet his voice was so full of - was it hope?  
It crushed Regulus's soul, so he let go of his body and jumped back as if he had burnt himself, swallowed thickly, his eyes hot with tears once again. "I - there's no buts and no howevers and no more ifs and no exceptions - and I've tried. I've tried every day, but I just don't see a future, Potter. There is none, no future for the two of us. I can't see a future for us."  
"Can't you?", the Gryffindor whispered, and his Adam's apple moved up and down his muscular neck as he, too, had to swallow, and the Slytherin would have sold his soul to be able to caress it with his fingertips, and to trace his jawline, and to have his heartbeat calm him to sleep. He'd have none of this.  
"Not a good one."  
Potter huffed, scratching his scalp as he always did when he had nothing to do and everything to say but didn't know what it was. "Isn't anything good enough if we're in it together?"  
"There is no 'anything', Potter. The world holds nothing for us to share. It never has. All of this is just borrowed, and life is going to take it back. There is no future for us. I'm sorry."  
And he whirled around and ran off, his vision blurry, and Potter's calls fading into the background, aligning with all the things Regulus lost and couldn't have and pretended not to need.  
He stumbled into his dorm, being the only one awake, and for once he didn't care about being caught returning, but no one seemed to notice, or care.  
His fingers shaking, he searched his bedside table for the little vial that contained all of the numbness he needed. He didn't know what exactly it was - it was supposed to provide comfort after a tough decision, he had been told, having won it from Slughorn, who adored him and his potions.  
He didn't think twice. Even if it killed him - then so be it, he had stopped caring when he had left all of his happiness deep down in the dungeons.  
The liquid felt crisp and somewhat refreshing as he swallowed all of it, and the aching stopped and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The next thing he knew was there was light everywhere, and he was giddy with warmth and the softness of his covers, and he heard someone brushing their teeth.  
He blinked, then sat up, startled as he regarded his surroundings wide-eyed. It plainly wasn't his dormitory. It wasn't like anything he had seen before.  
He was lying in a large bed, propped up on his elbow and wrapped in a white blanket, and in a bedroom that was both mundane and so homely it felt right being in it, despite the upcoming panic threatening to tighten his chest.  
He sat up, rubbing his face - something about it felt off - and swung his legs out of the bed. They were far more hairy than the night before, and his still dizzy mind wondered whether that was the sort of comfort he had needed. He hit his head somewhere and stumbled over to the mirrors attached to the doors of a heavy oak wardrobe, and let out a fit of nasty swear words he had heard Sirius use.  
He looked so different.  
It was still him, but at the same time, it wasn't. The dishevelled, frightened man staring back at him from within the mirror wasn't him. At least not a version of him that he knew.  
His reflection was too tall and lanky, too hairy with all the black stubble on his usually almost perfectly smooth face, and wore nothing but checkered pants, his chest a weird mixture of lean and muscular, and his posture downright awkward.  
He straightened his back and combed through his new improbably long mane of hair with his long fingers, raising his chin and quirking his left eyebrow. It brought an insufficiently small amount of dignity to his appearance.  
"You alright?", came a voice from behind him, making him jump and suck in his breath as he recognised it -  
He saw awful black hair and hazel eyes and puffy lips and -  
"Potter! I told you to leave!"  
Potter just chuckled, coming so close to Regulus and sending a chill up and down his spine as he gently placed his well-proportioned arms around his waist, skin to skin they stood there, and Regulus swallowed repeatedly. "Ever the charming gentleman I fell in love with, Reggie."  
"Don't - why're you calling me that?", Regulus blinked in bewilderment, shaking his head incredulously.  
The other man frowned. "Just woke up, eh? Don't worry, I'm cheering you up."  
And at that, he pulled him backwards with him and onto the bed, cupping his cheeks and kissing every bit of his face and neck he could, and it felt so good and smelled of peppermint toothpaste and shampoo. The Slytherin tried to somehow capture the Gryffindor's lips with his, and it ended up being sloppy and too wet and there was probably too much of his morning breath involved, but James didn't seem to care. Regulus wrestled his way on top of the other man and snogged him as hard as he could, wrapping his arms around his body somehow and entangling their legs, so very conscious of the fingers in his hair and the hand in his pants that had closed around his hard cock - when had they gotten to this point? - and applying just the right amount of pressure. A loud moan escaped his lips, and he felt James's body vibrate as he chuckled - "I haven't made you moan that easily since I first worked you."  
"Shut up, you bastard", Regulus panted, and he felt close to his first orgasm, so he let his own hand wander towards his lover's crotch as well, closing his fingers around his cock through the material of his boxers and trying to move it in some way - how was he supposed to know how - and accidentally tightening his grip as he came over James's knuckles, causing the latter to gasp. The younger man was overcome by a sudden ambition to do the same to bloody Potter. He pushed himself up to his knees and elbows, straddling James, crawling a bit backwards so he was able to very slowly pull his partner's boxers over his very noticeable bulge with his teeth, keeping steady eye contact with him and smirking, very aware he was in control and very determined to repay him for his earlier embarrassment of coming on the spot.  
He had little to no idea what he was doing, but he liked to believe he was good at concealing it, licking James's shaft in circular motions and moving upward until he had reached his head, which he kissed and caressed with both his lips and tongue.  
And he got what he wanted.  
"Merlin, Reg", Potter breathed, "are you trying to burn me?"  
"Beg for it", Regulus whispered.  
"Are you-"  
The Slytherin silenced him by taking two inches of his length into his mouth, sucking at it for a bit until he released it again, smirking winningly. He knew he would get his way.  
And he wasn't disappointed.  
"Fuck, just go on. Please, please."  
"Anything for you." And at that, he almost completely engulfed it, hoping he wasn't going to choke on it, but it seemed to work just fine. He sucked at it, panting slightly, then went back to letting his tongue explore the upper third until he admitted it into his mouth again, and it was pretty large, but as long as James was moaning, he was motivated to keep sucking and nibbling at it until he felt it hardening even more and James's legs started quivering, and suddenly, all he knew was there were large amounts of a salty liquid in his mouth, which he almost choked on as he swallowed it. He concealed it, not wanting to give that to James.  
He sat up, still processing what he had just done, as he was himself thrown back onto the bed and his pants were halfway down his legs, James nibbling at and kissing his inner thighs and driving him nuts, and his tongue just there, and suddenly, his cock was in the other man's mouth, and he gasped audibly when he started sucking. Regulus squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his heart rate picking up and desperately moving his pelvis towards his partner's face, trying hard not to thrust. It didn't take him long to reach a second, more intense climax, and he was trembling as he sunk back into the covers.  
"Wow", he panted.  
"You should be grateful I didn't tell you to beg me", James teased.  
"Sod off."  
"You know what? Guess I'll have to shower again. Care to join me?"  
"Thanks, but I'll wait."  
Whatever twisted fantasy this was, Regulus would very much have to get used to it first.  
While James went downstairs, to make breakfast, as he said, Regulus shaved his face, only cutting into his skin twice, which he was strangely proud of, and took long under the shower, wondering what sort of potion it was that Slughorn had given him, what it had done, and whether whatever this was would really happen. He was hoping it was, due to some obscure miracle, the future he had refused to see.  
He brushed his teeth with the one toothbrush that he found that wasn't wet already, and struggled to find something to wear. The wardrobe was full of Muggle stuff. Eventually, he put on a black jumper and some comfortable trousers he found and headed downstairs. While he was trying to figure out how to do so, as the location of the stairs was unknown to him, which caused him to frantically run up and down the corridor, he was met with a small, furry ball of adorableness that he was unable to resist.  
James found him, half an hour later, lying on the striped grey carpet, their one year old cat curled up on his chest and asleep, and Regulus shushed him as he tried to talk. "Don't wake her up", he said under his breath, not daring to move his head in order not to disturb the small animal.  
The peaceful atmosphere was disrupted by a high-pitched scream and the equally shrill command "DOWN!", followed by a little face next to Regulus's that half consisted of food-covered skin and half of enormous hazel eyes.  
Regulus stared at the child, trying very hard not to panic. He had never liked them. Children.  
The child looked up at James and accusingly pointed at Regulus, who found the whole situation to be quite absurd.  
"Dada titty", it said.  
James snorted and crouched down. "Rigel", he started, "That is a kitten. Not a titty. Say it with me. Kitten. Kitten."  
"Titty", the child repeated slowly.  
James smirked. "Nonono. Kit-ten. Not titty. Kitten."  
"Titty."  
"Kitten."  
"Titty."  
James smiled, poking the child's little button nose. "You'll learn. I'd just be glad if you didn't call your favourite animals titties."  
"Titties!", the child repeated gleefully and jumped happily on the spot. Then, it turned to Regulus again, squishing his cheeks with its fat sticky baby fingers, and said "Dada".  
"I agree", Regulus replied politely. "So how's your day been so far?"  
"Dada!", it shrieked and laid down on his stomach, preventing him from being able to breathe properly.  
"Help me", he whimpered, looking hopefully at James, who chuckled fondly and scooped the child up. With an angry meow, the cat was woken up as the child's yellow little leather shoe hit her back, and strutted off. Regulus lay there for a little while, precisely until when James returned from the bathroom followed closely by the child, who had been cleaned of the dirt in its face, and helped him up.  
"Aw, you're wearing my sweater", James cooed.  
"I'm not a baby. There's a baby if you need one." He nodded towards the child, who was fixating him with a creepy wide grin.  
James kissed his forehead and pulled him after himself at his hand, the child scampering behind them.  
Regulus learned that the stairs were located behind one of the oak doors, and just when he was about to descend them, the child wrapped its small arms around his legs and demanded: "Up!"  
Regulus looked at it in horror, then carefully placed his hands under its arms and picked it up, which was met with utter enthusiasm.  
James ran his hand through its black hair, which was remarkably less unruly than his own. "She's been missing you all morning. Did you take a long shower?" He winked.  
"I had to think", Regulus responded with all the dignity he could muster when the child's small warm body was pressed to his side.  
As soon as he had arrived downstairs, the child so unexpectedly began to wriggle in his arms and to demand to be put "Down!" that he struggled not to drop her. She ran off towards an open door, and just when she was around the corner, one could hear the sound of a body falling onto the floor, and a cry erupted. James immediately ran to pick up the screaming child, rubbing her back in soothing circles. "Shush. It's fine. You didn't get hurt. You just fell. It's fine."  
It was remarkable how fast she stopped crying. It hit Regulus that this was probably his own child. His and James's.  
He figured out that the room he was in had to be the kitchen, so he took a seat, and the child was promptly put on his lap. He instinctively placed a hand on her belly to prevent her from slipping off and helped himself to a mug of coffee.  
"Twink!", the child cried out, groping for the mug.  
"Rigel", James sighed. "It's drink. Twink has an entirely different meaning."  
"Also, coffee isn't for you", Regulus explained.  
James glanced at his watch. "Sirius is late", he remarked.  
"Is that unusual?", Regulus asked, placing the mug far away from Rigel and poured himself some milk. He wasn't very hungry.  
James ruffled his hair. "Well, Harry's his godson. I would be surprised if he arrived on time."  
Precisely in that second, Regulus jumped at the roar of an engine outside - at least it did sound like the engine of his brother's damn motorcycle, so it had to be an engine - and James stood up, walking over to the window.  
"It's probably him, but it's foggy outside. I'm hoping he had the decency not to fly. Harry's only three months old -!"  
Great, Regulus thought. An even smaller infant.  
He lifted Rigel up as he stood up and joined James. Thick white fog was clouding their vision, all he could make out were a few plants outside in a garden. "Fog", he said.  
"Fuck", Rigel repeated.  
"I said fog", Regulus frowned.  
"Fuck", she cried out happily.  
James smirked. "This isn't normal. She spends too much time around Sirius."  
"Or it's the genes", Regulus tried to tease him.  
It backfired. "The Black genes, probably. Harry's got them as well. I bet all of Sirius's misbehaviour is slumbering somewhere inside you. You just never activated it."  
"Rubbish", Regulus said in the very moment the doorbell rang.  
"Siwius!", Rigel said and wriggled out of Regulus's arms, however, this time, he was prepared.  
She ran off, once again, which caused Regulus to tell her not to run too fast, and he followed her.  
His brother, who, at least as far as he knew, hadn't really talked to him in years, was standing there in his leather jacket, a small baby tied to his chest with a long dark blue cloth, and smiling at him.  
"Morning, Reggie. Can I come in? - He's sleeping."  
They went back into the kitchen, where Sirius had some tea while Regulus finished his coffee, but not before freeing the infant and putting him into a crib near the fireplace where it was nice and warm. Regulus, who was freezing, stood there for a while, Rigel clinging to his leg, looked at the baby and absent-mindedly played with Rigel's soft hair.  
Harry, the baby, was fast asleep and breathing steadily. A sudden wave of pride overcame Regulus as he watched his facial muscles twitch in his sleep. He had a tuft of black hair that was improbably messy like James's and wore an orange little jumpsuit. Regulus smiled.  
"Dada?"  
"Yes, Rigel?" The name felt foreign yet familiar on his tongue, and he looked at the toddler's concerned little face.  
"Why tan't Hawwy talk?"  
Regulus crouched down. "He can't talk yet because he's a baby. Hes going to learn talking when he gets older, like you."  
She nodded, looking pensive, then scampered off towards the table. Regulus very gently poked the infant's nose, as he had seen James do it to Rigel, and felt a warm substance running down his cheeks.  
There was a future.  
This was it. And he knew he had to tell James. He wasn't going to give up on this.

* * *

His surroundings went blurry as he woke up in the History of Magic classroom, his fellow students packing up their stuff and leaving. He swallowed and collected himself, touching his cheek to see if it was smooth and free of stubble again, which it was, then stood up.  
His heavy bag on his shoulders, he made his way to the Potions classroom, still a little bit confused, but determined to ask Professor Slughorn about the vial before lunch.  
He ran into James, who looked pale and tired, apologised and hurried off, keeping his head down. He was hoping he wasn't looking too refreshed himself. James hadn't seen what he had.  
He practically ran into his teacher, who seemed to be on his way to lunch himself, and apologised politely once again, asking if he could have a word.  
Slughorn laughed and brushed off the apology. "Don't worry, Mr. Black. I always have time for my gifted students."  
Regulus nodded. "Thank you, sir. I was - wondering about the vial you gave me as a prize. I - tried it after making a decision, as you said, and - I had some sort of vision -"  
"This potion was a forget-me-not potion, Mr. Black", Slughorn explained. "It shows you precisely what fate you evaded - or lost."  
Regulus felt a lump in his throat. "Can I - is there a way to reclaim it? Because I think if this is true, I lost everything -"  
"Is there a way to undo your decision?"  
"Well, I can't change the past, can I?" Regulus's voice became embarrassingly thick.  
"Perhaps what - or who - you gave up isn't lost yet. Here -", he reached into his robes, an even tinier vial in his palm, "I was going to give this to someone in my NEWT class as a prize, but I feel you might need it more. Do you know what it contains?"  
"Felix Felicis", Regulus whispered in awe.  
"Take it." Slughorn handed it to him. "Use it wisely."  
"I will", Regulus nodded gratefully. "Thank you."

He chugged it the moment he saw James trailing behind his friends, who were chatting lightheartedly as they climbed the large staircase. He didn't know if the feeling of pure bliss spreading through his body was caused by the potion or the sight of James, but it was an amazing sensation.  
A little voice inside his head told him to follow him, so he did, with some ten feet between himself and his lover - ex lover - whatever he was. Probably the latter. He reached out and tugged at his robes right when they were next to a niche in the wall, and the voice told him to pull James into it with him.  
"James", he said, panting slightly. "Hello."  
James shook his head. "On a first name basis now, are we? What do you want?"  
"The future I saw with you. Please. I saw it. It's perfect. James?"  
"So suddenly you did see it? How come you just care about tomorrow and not today?"  
"But - but James. We lived in a house and you kept calling me Reggie, and we had a cat and two babies and I don't even like children, and the baby's hair was so untidy even though he just had a small tuft of it, and then Sirius came over and our daughter couldn't pronounce the word kittens so she called them titties and - it's all there", he finished weakly.  
James shook his head. "Did you - dream all this?"  
Regulus folded his arms. "Maybe. But that doesn't change the fact it can happen. If you forgive me."  
He nodded slowly, biting his lower lip. "I didn't sleep at all tonight. I thought I'd lost everything, and now you're coming back to me because you saw a bright future and you decided you liked it?"  
"I want that future, James. Because you were in it." Regulus couldn't believe the potion was making him say sappy things like that… but it seemed to be working.  
James exhaled sharply through his nostrils. "You're going to be the death of me, Regulus Black."  
"I love you."  
James's head snapped up and he narrowed his eyes at him, then his face softened and he smiled. "So we're past our 'Just snogging' agreement?"  
"That agreement sucked to begin with. Because I'm in love with you."  
James beamed, and he took Regulus's hands and asked, "Do you mean it?"  
"More than anything."  
James planted a soft kiss on his lips. "I thought I lost you."  
"You'll never."  
"I love you", James whispered.

* * *

Reg woke up to a nasty smell and the inability to breathe, as well as loud snoring to his right.  
"Rigel, your nappy is in my face."  
Obviously, the sleeping toddler didn't budge. She was lying upside down on Reg's chest, her bum very close to his face, her legs on either side of his head, and probably drooling onto his shirt.  
He shook her gently. "Rigel."  
Rigel woke with a start, rolling off of him and giggling, and multiple little limps hit his head in the process. "Hewwo, Dada", she giggled.  
"Good morning, stinky nappy, good morning, Rigel", he said, standing up, hitting his head, and picked her up. "Let's clean you up, okay?"  
"Dada!", she shrieked, pointing at James.  
"Shush, Rigel. Hes's asleep, he's been minding Harry all night. Let's let him sleep in, alright?"  
"Titty?"  
"I don't know where the kitten is."  
Rigel sighed and relaxed against Reg's chest. "Dada, poo."  
"You pooped?"  
"Poo."  
Reg looked longingly at his sleeping husband before he headed to the bathroom. Morning sex seemed to be the far more pleasant alternative to changing a hyperactive toddler's nappy, but what was he supposed to do? Sirius and Remus were going to babysit the two little rascals soon, and until then, well… Reg was a patient person.

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